Sapphire: [yawn] Well, here we are again for Round 5 of Madness 2017, waaaay too sober to be talking about stuff like this. At least there's coffee.
Jewell: Which I can't drink.
Sapphire: I gave you some.
Jewell: This is cream with some coffee dripped on top.
Sapphire: Um, I also added sugar soooo you're welcome. Don't let your next boy toy stab you in the heart and maybe you can have actual coffee sometime next year.
Jewell: That's like... the worst term ever.
Sapphire: I didn't make it up!
Jewell: Let's just get on with this. Welcome to Round 5 of Madness 2017, RhyDin! We're down to the Fabulous Four. And really, aren't they fabulous?
Sapphire: [snort] They're something all right. We've got a giant ogre, a dragon thingy, and two badass women. [Pause] Actually, when I say it like that, it does sound kind of fabulous! Or like the start of some kinky fantasy novel?
Jewell: I'd read it.
Sapphire: Me too.
Jewell: So... Madness. We've almost reached an end and we've lost a lot of good people along the way. We don't usually do recaps here, but we're going to recap today because the station says we have an hour to be on air and it's not gonna fill itself. Round 4 saw us lose Xanth to Crunchem, which we predicted!
Sapphire: [cheering sound effect] Because we're awesome.
Sapphire: Unfortunately, Rakeesh had to go and make us look bad by finally answering the age-old question of who would win in a fight between a dragon and a lion turtle. The answer? Not the lion turtle.
Jewell: Thanks a lot, Rakeesh! Hopefully we'll still see you next year.
Sapphire: Ellisa came through for us though! Carried forward with the blessing of two blue-haired faeries, she took out Uncle Kheld and is well on her way to making history with a second Madness win! On the other hand, Six apparently didn't mind disappointing us because he totally lost to Myria.
Jewell: Sorry Lil Blue. No Ice Blade of Doom for you [snickering]
Sapphire: I think I'll live. Let's talk about these matches.
Jewell: Ramirez Division Champion is the great and mighty Crunchem! Seeded at number six, he's crushed his way through the Baroness of Old Market, former Overlord Rand al'Tan, the amazing Xanth, who is only amazing because he beat me, and probably twenty barrels of ale and several villagers in the last week of Madness alone. Who is he up against?
Sapphire: He'll be facing the Monk Division Champion: Baphelocutis. Baph is also seeded at number six this year. He took out the Baron of Old Temple, the Mighty Matt Simon, and Rakeesh on his way to the top. Not too shabby, huh?
Jewell: Not at all! Now we get to see who wins in a fight between an ogre and a dragon! It's what I've always wanted!
Sapphire: Sounds pretty epic. My money is on the orge.
Jewell: Mine too. Go forth and conquer, Crunchem! We'll give you a few barrels of Mad Fairy Ale that I have stored as a prize if you win.
Sapphire: On the other side of Madness, we have my Madness favorite, Valmion Division Champion, Ellisa Morgan seeded at number one! Ellisa smashed her way through yours truly, former Overlord Anubis Karos, and the mighty Kheldar! Nicely done, Ellisa.
Jewell: She'll be facing the Max Division Champion, Myria Graziano of the Wrecking Crew. Myria was seeded at number five this year. She beat her way through my squire, Aki; number one seed and Baron of Dockside, E Smith; and former baron and Overlord, Six. All without a baseball bat!
Sapphire: Incredible! Who will win this showdown of the two most formidable women in Madness this year?
Jewell: I know Sapphire is betting on Ellisa to keep going, but I'm switching over to Myria for this Fabulous Four fight. Go for it, Baby Graz!
Sapphire: Whatever. If Ellisa loses, I'm blaming you.
Jewell: [laughing] Fine by me!
Sapphire: Don't forget to place your bets on the Fabulous Four Fights!
Jewell: And when we come back after this commercial break, we're going to be reviewing my awesome challenge match against the feisty and fierce Baroness of Battlefield Park last week.
Sapphire: We'll also be making predictions on the upcoming challenge for Dockside, if it ever happens, the challenge for Old Temple and whether or not Anubis likes male slaves, annnnnnd the challenge for MoonBeryl because Duel of Fists is technically hashtag best sport.
Jewell: Back in a few, RhyDin! Use your time wisely and go vote for the Empress Overlady to be May Queen!
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